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My Robot Is Pregnant theme song!

tough guy poetry and manly stories of loneliness
all contents copyright Jon Rolston 2004, 2005, 2006

March 18, 2007

springtime idiot show

Down on the Peninsula a new crop of assholes are dressing up in spandex drinking water sponsor uniforms and parking their SUV’s alongside the road where the bicyclists all meet up. They pull out a stationary rack and pedal their bikes in place beside their Hummer, a tear drop racing helmet strapped to their noggins, rear wheels spokeless, giant black carbon fiber rims spinning without any forward motion. Finally enough gang members show up and everyone’s legs are primed, so a gaggle of thirty springtime idiots pull out into the road in their matching colors and race up and down this country lane with me behind them in a seven ton ten wheeler with a load of manure up high. One of these days there is going to be a small dent in my bumper and twenty five less cyclists.

That’s why sometimes I’d rather be in the city. It is a happier place. Look no further than our cigarettes for proof…

doublehappiness.jpg doublebackcig.jpg

8 Comments

  1. Jon, how about we get started on this homeless sitcom already?

    Act 1, Scene 1 – Two homeless guys in an alley

    Homeless guy #1: How many times do I have to tell you to close the lid on the tackle box after you take a shit?

    (laugh track)

    Homeless guy #2: The smell helps to keep my appetite under control.

    #1: What the hell are you talking about? C’mon let’s hit the bodega dumpster for yesterday’s bread.

    #2: No way, man. I’m off that shit, I’m doing Atkins now.

    (laugh track)

    #1: Atkins? What the heck is Atkins?

    #2: It’s an all cat food diet. I’m slimmin’ down.

    #1: You a mother fuckin’ fool. You can’t get any slimmer than what you is now. What’s this all about, anyways?

    #2: I want to ask out the lady from the flower store on 6th.

    #1 (laughing uncontrollably): Oh yeah? Where you gonna take her out?

    #2: Well, I was just planning on dragging her back here, killing her and fucking her corpse.

    (laugh track)

    #1: All right, man, all right. Just make sure to knock out her teeth so I don’t get no scrapin’ on my dick later on.

    (Applause track)

    End Scene

    Comment by Lyle_s — March 18, 2007 @ 8:38 am

  2. I laughed at this, then thought, “my mother’s gonna read this”. But it’s really funny Lyle. I’ll get to work on the scene where he’s getting dressed up and sharpening his knife for the big date.

    Comment by jon — March 18, 2007 @ 8:21 pm

  3. I’m thinking of these two guys as being the cheech and chong of the homeless shelter/shopping cart set. Is one guy black, one guy white? Or is it like an old fifties show, two hobo’s? (the laugh track makes me think of that) but the hobos are in modern times and trying to understand cell phones, lamenting the lack of trains to ride? what’s the big picture Lyle?

    Anyone else wanna throw out some ideas?

    Comment by jon — March 18, 2007 @ 8:41 pm

  4. The laugh track is there so your Mom knows where to laugh. On the other hand, this is bound for cable where no self respecting show has a laugh track. Then again, perhaps the laugh track adds an element of evil that the show needs. I could go either way.

    Anyhow, all my inspiration seems to have been swept away from the streets of Milwaukee over the past 10 years. Probably because it gets so cold up here.

    I like the idea of using the homeless to shed light on how stupid some of the stuff the rest of America does. Have ’em use cell phones like it’s second nature, go clubbin’ (hanging out in club alleys to harass chicks), doin’ yoga in the park and mix in some likely over exaggerated homeless stereotypes.

    Plus we can still do flashback scenes that reveal how these folks got where they are. I don’t have any ideas on this at the moment but I’m sure we could draw on situations from our own past and turn them into vagrancy catalysts. Hell, you lived in a tree house! It’s like you wanted to be homeless when you grew up!

    Comment by Lyle_s — March 19, 2007 @ 7:40 pm

  5. Scene 2:

    Homeless man #3 is lurking outside the grocery store, contemplating rolling the Salvation Army guy for the charity loot. Notices a lady checking out inside. She’s buying diapers, cat food and ground coffee. Homeless guy slips into a daydream…

    …Somewhat cleaner homeless guy is checking out of the grocery store. He pays the cashier and hops in his car to drive home. He lives just up the street in the classic suburban home. Pulls in the driveway, parks the car, goes through the front door. Sits down at the breakfast bar with his groceries. Rips open the coffee, spills some on the counter and snorts it. Takes out a diaper, opens the can of cat food and pours it in the diaper. Eats it like a taco. Big smile. Heaven…

    Comment by Lyle_s — March 20, 2007 @ 5:43 pm

  6. what the hell are you talking about?

    I’m gonna need to put some serious time to keep up with your story arcs here…but i like it!

    Comment by jon — March 21, 2007 @ 8:26 pm

  7. Are you referring to scene 2 when you say what the hell am I talking about?

    I was trying to point out how someone in a situation like a homeless person may not have the same aspirations as the average joe. He can see the white picket fence suburban lifestyle but when he inserts himself into the picture, he can’t entirely shed his everyday reality; he is used to eating garbage and may not know any better at this point. This strikes me as a funny image, a man eating a diaper taco. I’ll need your magic pen to better get the point across. Perhaps a statement about how hard it would be for the homeless to re-assimilate into society?

    When I am at the grocery store buying unconnected groceries, I often think about ways to connect them into a meal. That day, I bought diapers, coffee and cat food. This was the meal I came up with, although I would have sprinkled the coffee on the cat food for seasoning. I suppose that makes more sense than snorting it.

    Comment by Lyle_s — March 22, 2007 @ 7:18 pm

  8. It would be ill-advised to begin a homeless sitcom without me.
    It’s not as edgy as you all seem to be leaning towards, but we’re all on the same page. Satire via destitution. Remember: Only a poor man can speak the truth in America.

    WORKING CLASS Pilot Episode: ALYDAR BY A NOSE

    by

    Mark Webster

    ACT ONE
    COLD OPENING
    EXT. ALLEYWAY WITH STREETLIGHT – NIGHT
    (DICEMAN, BOOTS)
    DICEMAN AND BOOTS ARE GETTING READY FOR BED BY GATHERING BLANKETS AND NEWSPAPER AROUND THEIR LEGS.
    DICEMAN
    Real good meal tonight.
    BOOTS
    I’m full up.
    DICEMAN
    Never ate so much turkey. And corn. You get a piece of that corn?
    BOOTS
    A piece? Son, I was like a tractor. Like a corn-eating machine. Corn on the cob. Corn bread. Corn dumplings. Corn soup. Corn flakes. All that and smoked turkey too. Mmmmmm.
    DICEMAN
    And pie? You get a slice of the apple pie.
    BOOTS
    Ate a whole tree. Yes, I did. Real good pie.
    DICEMAN NODS.
    DICEMAN
    Right. (beat) You didn’t get no pie, did you.
    BOOTS
    (reluctantly)
    No. No pie. Pass me the sports please.
    DICEMAN PASSES THE SPORTS PAGES. BOOTS SPREADS THE PAPER OUT OVER HIS LEGS.
    BOOTS (CONT’D)
    (happily)
    That’s what I’m talking about. Love that Sunday edition.
    DICEMAN
    And you didn’t get no corn.
    BOOTS
    Not exactly. Technically, no. But I had some a few years ago.
    DICEMAN
    And the turkey?
    BOOTS
    You know. It was gone by the time I got to the shelter. I like flightless bird meat too.
    DICEMAN
    Actually, they didn’t have none of that. I was just saying…
    BOOTS
    (Sighs) I know. Good night, Diceman.
    DICEMAN
    Good night, Boots. (beat) But I did have a cup of noodles. Shrimp flavor. And the water was real hot.
    BOOTS
    Nothing beats hot water and noodles. No, sir.
    DICEMAN
    Seasoned with imagination…my favorite.
    BOOTS ROLLS OVER AND TAKES A PILE OF PAPER OFF OF DICEMAN.
    DICEMAN (CONT’D)
    Boots, you’re stealing the business section again!
    AS BOOTS BEGINS TO SNORE, WE:
    FADE OUT.
    END OF COLD OPEN
    ACT ONE
    SCENE A
    INT. LABOR HALL – MORNING (DAY 1)
    (ANTHONY, CODE BLUE, GOOSE, CHARLOTTE)
    CHARLOTTE IS SITTING AT THE OFFICE DESK. ANTHONY AND CODE BLUE ARE SITTING DOWN. BIG SIGN: WORK TODAY, PAID TODAY.
    ANTHONY
    Jordan played in a different time zone. He don’t count.
    CODE BLUE
    He counts. He counts and you lose. Pay up.
    ANTHONY
    Style was different back then. All them fools cared about was playing basketball.
    GOOSE ENTERS.
    ANTHONY (CONT’D)
    Goose. Who has the best sneakers, Jordan or Kobe?
    GOOSE
    Chuck Taylor. Cheaper. Made in the U.S. How many kids you know get shot over a pair of Chuck Taylors?
    ANTHONY COUNTS SILENTLY ON HIS FINGERS
    ANTHONY
    Not even a dozen.
    CODE BLUE
    (skeptical)
    You count kids from my neighborhood?
    ANTHONY RECOUNTS ON FINGERS
    ANTHONY
    Still less than twenty.

    Comment by Oggy — March 27, 2007 @ 5:48 pm

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