Computer Pants
As these intake photos show, I suffer from a flat ass. The doctor was ready to operate on me, a costly procedure that involved injecting flame retardant foie gras into each buttock. I was devastated. Insurance claimed it was not medically necessary. The truth was, I couldn’t sit down for more than five minutes without pain.
“Is there any reason you can’t stand at your computer?” the agent asked. I was beat. No more blogging for me. Time to find a new hobby. Remote controlled cars? Roasting coffee beans? Didn’t interest me. It was the past-times that involve prolonged sitting that excited me. Whittling. Gin Rummy.
I called Gram. Asked her how the weather was back home. She heard it in my voice. Somehow through the tears she heard my sorrow. Women’s intuition.
“Is something bothering you?” she asked.
I choked back tears, hawked a loogie, and laid my burden down. The whole genetic history. I let her know she had a considerable portion of responsibility for my lack of a full buttock area.
“Did you ever consider marrying outside the race? You English have bred the fat right out of yourselves. You’re like a bunch of greyhounds. Skin and bones. Good for one application. It’s a new era, Gram! People don’t run anymore. We’re a tribe of seated typers. I need some fat on my bones!” I didn’t pull my punches. At 86 she ought to be able to handle the truth.
My Grandmother is a wonderful woman. A woman of character. Instead of passing the buck, she took full responsibility. As soon as we got off the phone she went to work. You can see the results in the photo. The patented Blog-O-Spheres have provided my butt with enough cushion that I no longer need that costly operation, and I’m able to sit in front of my computer for up to 16 hours without a break!
I’m facing to the left now. It looks kinda strange if you don’t realize that.
Take a look at these before and after photos, and judge for yourself!
Looks pretty uncomfortable doesn’t it? Take a look below and imagine the difference!
I think it is only proper that we have a look at this magical seamstress! Gram, aka Ruth Carlton, take a bow!
Ruth Carlton, inventor of Computer Pants and the sister technology, Blog-O-Spheres.
You could also call these Ring Ding Pants.
Comment by K — April 16, 2007 @ 3:26 pm