My Robot Is Pregnant theme song!

Here’s the transcript of my first stand up comedy routine, done with Doug Tuesday at Amnesia.

“This is my first time doing stand up comedy and I’m not here because I’m funny. I’m not funny. I look like Jeff Foxworthy and my girl has fantasies about him.

So I’m up here for her. Thinking how to be funny. Riffing is funny. I can riff on shit. Like a diamond commercial I heard the other day, the guy says in his diamond commercial voice, ‘Diamonds. The gift that lasts forever.’

So I’m like “Ice cream. The gift that lasts an hour in the hot sun.”

That’s riffing.

‘Diarrhea. The gift that kills children in the 3rd World.’

So my riffs need work. How about, ‘Rape. The gift that gives an unexpected life.’

Rape is not a gift. But life is a precious gift from God.

Why does comedy get so dark? Why do we laugh at pain? I don’t get it. They say women can tolerate pain more than men. They have a higher pain threshold. So why can’t I hit them?

Ok, that’s another way to be funny. Bash women. And I have a lot of Black jokes. But I only tell them to Black folks. Gonna save that for another time.

So I can riff, I can be misogynistic, tell racial jokes, what else is there? I don’t think I want to be a part of all that. I don’t want to be a stand up comic. I wanna do stand up dramedy. Or a stand up buddy flick. You know what I really wanna do? Stand up tragedy.

Here’s a tragic story. It’s true and its about suicide so don’t laugh. It’s not funny. I was driving to Marin, across the Golden Gate bridge, and I’m on Lombard and traffic is basically stopped on the on ramp. So I take a left and sneak throught he Presidio and you come out right at the toll booth. Traffic is barely moving. I get halfway across the span and there’s yellow tape across the pedestrian way and a bunch of cops are there and telling people to turn around and walk back. Then I see the guy, on the wrong side of the barrier, hugging the cement post with his hands, ready to kill himself. A cop is standing there talking to him, close enough to just reach out and touch him, probably saying, ‘Come over the fence and let’s talk about what’s wrong.’

The jumper was just shaking his head No, No, a hopeless look in his eye.

So what could you say to someone in that position? BOO! (I screamed BOO to scare everyone, then mimicked a guy throwing up his hand in surprise, then wheeled my arms around like I was falling backwards off something very tall.)

A police officer should never say Boo to a potential jumper.

And that’s my routine. Thanks.