My Robot Is Pregnant theme song!

I found a free clinic and went to get an aids test. i wanted them all, clap, drip, syph, whatever they could detect i wanted to know if i had it or not. Pulling open the door to a STD clinic is hard to do. It’s a heavy door. So slow. Everyone driving by looking at you…

Inside are rows of chairs, and people waiting. You look at them quickly to see what a slut looks like. Oh yeah. Like you. You check in, get a number and a bunch of paper work. WHAT’S THIS?

“Due to the volume of requests, we can only test you for disease you are likely to be at risk for. Also, we can only test you if you have an existing sympton, are under 25, or a man having sex with men.”

I didn’t fit any of the requirements. It was time to lie. The nurse calls me into her office.
She looks like a lunch lady. I don’t remember her name. She knows I don’t have any existing conditions and she knows I’m not under 25. So I’m gay.

“Have you had penis to mouth contact in the last three months?”

“NO!”
shoot. I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay. I’ll have to make up for that last answer.

“Have you had penis to anus contact in the last three months?”

remember, they only give me a test if I’m in a high risk population…

“Um…no. Just my brother I guess.”

“What?”

“I mean does my brother’s penis count?”
ohh, that should work. I’m going to the front of the line with that answer…

“Yes that counts. Have you had sex while on drugs in the last three months?”

okay, let’s keep the dream alive…

“I wasn’t high, but there was a guy who nodded off in the park and I did have sex with him.”

whatever she wasn’t gonna test me for, she just reconsidered…

“Have you paid for sex or been paid for sex in the last three months?”

“Who sees these records? Because for tax purposes, I don’t feel comfortable answering that question.”

i better be careful or i’ll end up locked up for a three day evaluation..

“That’s fine, I think we have enough information. Take off your pants, I’ll be taking an anal swab.”

looks like I overplayed that one a little too much…