WORKING CLASS Pilot Episode: ALYDAR BY A NOSE

by

Mark Webster

ACT ONE
COLD OPENING
EXT. ALLEYWAY WITH STREETLIGHT – NIGHT
(DICEMAN, BOOTS)
DICEMAN AND BOOTS ARE GETTING READY FOR BED BY GATHERING BLANKETS AND NEWSPAPER AROUND THEIR LEGS.
DICEMAN
Real good meal tonight.
BOOTS
I’m full up.
DICEMAN
Never ate so much turkey. And corn. You get a piece of that corn?
BOOTS
A piece? Son, I was like a tractor. Like a corn-eating machine. Corn on the cob. Corn bread. Corn dumplings. Corn soup. Corn flakes. All that and smoked turkey too. Mmmmmm.
DICEMAN
And pie? You get a slice of the apple pie.
BOOTS
Ate a whole tree. Yes, I did. Real good pie.
DICEMAN NODS.
DICEMAN
Right. (beat) You didn’t get no pie, did you.
BOOTS
(reluctantly)
No. No pie. Pass me the sports please.
DICEMAN PASSES THE SPORTS PAGES. BOOTS SPREADS THE PAPER OUT OVER HIS LEGS.
BOOTS (CONT’D)
(happily)
That’s what I’m talking about. Love that Sunday edition.
DICEMAN
And you didn’t get no corn.
BOOTS
Not exactly. Technically, no. But I had some a few years ago.
DICEMAN
And the turkey?
BOOTS
You know. It was gone by the time I got to the shelter. I like flightless bird meat too.
DICEMAN
Actually, they didn’t have none of that. I was just saying…
BOOTS
(Sighs) I know. Good night, Diceman.
DICEMAN
Good night, Boots. (beat) But I did have a cup of noodles. Shrimp flavor. And the water was real hot.
BOOTS
Nothing beats hot water and noodles. No, sir.
DICEMAN
Seasoned with imagination…my favorite.
BOOTS ROLLS OVER AND TAKES A PILE OF PAPER OFF OF DICEMAN.
DICEMAN (CONT’D)
Boots, you’re stealing the business section again!
AS BOOTS BEGINS TO SNORE, WE:
FADE OUT.
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
SCENE A
INT. LABOR HALL – MORNING (DAY 1)
(ANTHONY, CODE BLUE, GOOSE, CHARLOTTE)
CHARLOTTE IS SITTING AT THE OFFICE DESK. ANTHONY AND CODE BLUE ARE SITTING DOWN. BIG SIGN: WORK TODAY, PAID TODAY.
ANTHONY
Jordan played in a different time zone. He don’t count.
CODE BLUE
He counts. He counts and you lose. Pay up.
ANTHONY
Style was different back then. All them fools cared about was playing basketball.
GOOSE ENTERS.
ANTHONY (CONT’D)
Goose. Who has the best sneakers, Jordan or Kobe?
GOOSE
Chuck Taylor. Cheaper. Made in the U.S. How many kids you know get shot over a pair of Chuck Taylors?
ANTHONY COUNTS SILENTLY ON HIS FINGERS
ANTHONY
Not even a dozen.
CODE BLUE
(skeptical)
You count kids from my neighborhood?
ANTHONY RECOUNTS ON FINGERS
ANTHONY
Still less than twenty.

I was trying to point out how someone in a situation like a homeless person may not have the same aspirations as the average joe. He can see the white picket fence suburban lifestyle but when he inserts himself into the picture, he can’t entirely shed his everyday reality; he is used to eating garbage and may not know any better at this point. This strikes me as a funny image, a man eating a diaper taco. I’ll need your magic pen to better get the point across. Perhaps a statement about how hard it would be for the homeless to re-assimilate into society?

When I am at the grocery store buying unconnected groceries, I often think about ways to connect them into a meal. That day, I bought diapers, coffee and cat food. This was the meal I came up with, although I would have sprinkled the coffee on the cat food for seasoning. I suppose that makes more sense than snorting it.

I’m gonna need to put some serious time to keep up with your story arcs here…but i like it!

Homeless man #3 is lurking outside the grocery store, contemplating rolling the Salvation Army guy for the charity loot. Notices a lady checking out inside. She’s buying diapers, cat food and ground coffee. Homeless guy slips into a daydream…

…Somewhat cleaner homeless guy is checking out of the grocery store. He pays the cashier and hops in his car to drive home. He lives just up the street in the classic suburban home. Pulls in the driveway, parks the car, goes through the front door. Sits down at the breakfast bar with his groceries. Rips open the coffee, spills some on the counter and snorts it. Takes out a diaper, opens the can of cat food and pours it in the diaper. Eats it like a taco. Big smile. Heaven…

Anyhow, all my inspiration seems to have been swept away from the streets of Milwaukee over the past 10 years. Probably because it gets so cold up here.

I like the idea of using the homeless to shed light on how stupid some of the stuff the rest of America does. Have ‘em use cell phones like it’s second nature, go clubbin’ (hanging out in club alleys to harass chicks), doin’ yoga in the park and mix in some likely over exaggerated homeless stereotypes.

Plus we can still do flashback scenes that reveal how these folks got where they are. I don’t have any ideas on this at the moment but I’m sure we could draw on situations from our own past and turn them into vagrancy catalysts. Hell, you lived in a tree house! It’s like you wanted to be homeless when you grew up!

Anyone else wanna throw out some ideas?

Act 1, Scene 1 – Two homeless guys in an alley

Homeless guy #1: How many times do I have to tell you to close the lid on the tackle box after you take a shit?

(laugh track)

Homeless guy #2: The smell helps to keep my appetite under control.

#1: What the hell are you talking about? C’mon let’s hit the bodega dumpster for yesterday’s bread.

#2: No way, man. I’m off that shit, I’m doing Atkins now.

(laugh track)

#1: Atkins? What the heck is Atkins?

#2: It’s an all cat food diet. I’m slimmin’ down.

#1: You a mother fuckin’ fool. You can’t get any slimmer than what you is now. What’s this all about, anyways?

#2: I want to ask out the lady from the flower store on 6th.

#1 (laughing uncontrollably): Oh yeah? Where you gonna take her out?

#2: Well, I was just planning on dragging her back here, killing her and fucking her corpse.

(laugh track)

#1: All right, man, all right. Just make sure to knock out her teeth so I don’t get no scrapin’ on my dick later on.

(Applause track)

End Scene