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My Robot Is Pregnant theme song!

tough guy poetry and manly stories of loneliness
all contents copyright Jon Rolston 2004, 2005, 2006

September 25, 2011

it’s foggy in the west (part two of a crime novel)

“check under the bed”

“I know man, I copped a B&E at 14. This aint my first barbeque. Shit, VCR tapes! You know this is porn!”

“Put it on, put it on!”

The two workers work in tandem, one turns on the tv and gets to channel 3 as the other pushes the cassette into the VCR.

“where’s the remote?” one asks as they look around the room, opening bedside table drawers.

The screen comes alive with a middle aged woman, ball gag in her mouth, a man pulling her hair as they copulate like dog show canines, lacy tutu around her waist, black leather vest over the man’s beer gut.

“that’s this room!” one guy is practically screaming with joy as he laughs and grabs his coworker, turning him to see the headboard behind them.
“they’re fucking on this bed!”

The crew working the apartment next door come in with their Tyvek suits and respirators on.

The goggles come off when they see the screen.

“you found a homemade stash!” on guy says

“there’s a box of it,” the other replies as he pulls up the collection of unmarked cassettes.

By the end of the day all four teams have grabbed a couple of tapes, and more than a few guys have taken the cue and followed along with the story line. Each going to their own private apartment to let loose.

Mr. Louden, lifting an empty pint glass asks for another IPA. The barman comes down and sets it on the damp coaster. Mr Louden continues the story.

“The tenants are finally allowed to return to their homes and discover missing jewelry, bottles of booze, you name it. It’s a few days before they find the gift left behind in the VCR, video of their neighbors having very kinky sex. Can you imagine?”

Not much crime for a crime novel, huh?

Just then shots ring out and a man falls to the ground. Except in Iraq, where we are at war, but no one in the bar notices.


  1. allow me to help.
    Heart of darkness is told first person. the whole story is told by the captain as the crew waits for the tide to change in the thames river. that would work for you. the PI tells the whole story at the bar and you are the narrator who described how the PI tells the story.
    Now, as I see it, something else is on the videotapes…not just sex. something that exposes mayors or police chiefs.
    but if you can capture the voice of the junkie PI then you can piece together the story.

    Comment by oggybleacher — September 25, 2011 @ 3:38 pm

  2. that could work. he tells the whole story of his downfall over the course of an evening at the bar. he loses his job, loses a few years to crack, then lives to tell the tale.

    Comment by Rolston — September 25, 2011 @ 10:17 pm

  3. Bad Lieutenant. a seriously fucked and demented Harvey Kietel. I wasn’t sure if it wasn’t crack he was putting in the pipe….. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103759/

    Comment by al — September 26, 2011 @ 7:20 am

  4. BAd lieutenant is Kietel’s definitive role. horribly underrated. were you the one to recommend that, al? YEah, kind of like if he lived and told his tale at a bar then Jon listened to it and wrote it down.

    Comment by oggybleacher — September 27, 2011 @ 8:34 am

  5. Speaking of Iraq, there was a great interview on Fresh Air this week, with a guy from the State Department who spilled the beans on all the money they wasted pretending to rebuild Iraq. Some awesome stories of waste and incompetence, definitely worth grabbing the podcast.

    Comment by Lyle_S — September 29, 2011 @ 6:50 pm

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