My Robot Is Pregnant theme song!

tough guy poetry and manly stories of loneliness
all contents copyright Jon Rolston 2004, 2005, 2006

March 19, 2009

i need a doctor to look at my blog

photo posted from my iPhone

My blog’s so swollen. And it has comments all over it. I keep hoping it will go away, but it’s been like four years now.

You’re looking inside the laundry room at the Four Season’s hotel in San Francisco. They had a crazy machine that irons and folds sheets, but I wasn’t allowed to photograph it. It comes from space. Not like space when you take stuff to Goodwill and get more room in your apartment. I mean SPACE. Like as in out there. Way out. Balls deep.

There were two bad accidents on the way to work this morning, and I kept waiting for the third one. What’s that magic number stuff all about? The day is over. It’s late. My blog is throbbing. Maybe Walgreens has an ointment. A liniment tincture. Or is there a homeopathic potion on Craigslist? I need options.

March 18, 2009

sweet girl looking for a home

(or should the title have been, “bred by ai”)

new hampshire craigslist > farm & garden
brown swiss cow – $950 (contoocook)
Reply to: sale-mj4us-1077897444@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-03-16, 6:06PM EDT

6 year old brown swiss cow, bred by ai in january to a shorthorn. Has not been vet checked to determine if she took or not. Sweet girl looking for a home $950. Has only been milked by a machine hasn’t delt well with hand milking as she had some frostbite with her first calf and we had to pick off the scabs to milk her ( this has not affected her teats in anyway they are fine now) she just gets antsy when being milked. any questions feel free to ask.

Thanks to Poopies for pointing out what makes new hampshire so special to all of us.

March 17, 2009

photo posted from my iPhone

i hired a mexican

photo posted from my iPhone
His name was Brian and we hauled sheetrock up three flights of stairs. He’s from Chiapas.

March 16, 2009

photo posted from my iPhone

photo posted from my iPhone
Why are assisted living communities always 80 degrees? And cats everywhere.

March 15, 2009

craigslist works


from the craigslist post:
“Everything is in working order, plenty of tread on the tires and brake pads are fine. Only a rear brake on this one. Has scratches on frame from normal kids use but nothing is broken or dented. It is black and kinda hard to see in the photo, but well worth the $40 bucks for a bike you can ride away. It’s 12 inches from crank to seat post.”

Ian, the english accent guy who gets me work sometimes, paid me to haul off his son’s bike. I put it up on craigslist, and this is the following email exchange with someone about it.

Before we begin, let me remind you. I, like many other drunks, am very sensitive. That’s what makes me a tough guy. I’m ready to fight at the smallest perceived attack. Watch how psycho I get.

buyer: eh what’s up with your diamond back??? still got it???

me: still for sale

B: what’s with it, is it a viper with the diamond plate between the frame?? or is it something else??
what size inner tubes?? 20″ or 26″

Me: this is a 20003 kids bike from diamond back, 129 bucks new

B: i thought it looked like garbage, thanks… i hate kids bikes

Me:you’re grown up?

(five minutes later I feel like a douche for sending that email, so I send an apology)

Who ever you are, I apologize. I didn’t particularly want to hear my stuff be called garbage, but fuck it, this is america. say what you think.

B: in all truth, i must apologize, it’s not that it’s garbage, it’s a diamond back – i said it’s garbage as in it’s a kid bike – i can’t ride a kid’s bike, it’s no good to me, sorry if you mistook that – diamond back’s especially the viper is the king of all bikes, it’s just not what i was expecting to hear – but your right, it’s america so fuck it.. it’s still garbage compared to what I’m looking for, I couldn’t even ride that down a hill without it attempting to bust my shin’s open all the way down…. thanks for the reply – i’m trying to find a viper or gt performer to ride out to the city – down san pablo ave, down e14th, and hang it around the san francisco bay and back up… wish it wasnt a kid’s bike…

Me: That was a cool email. Thanks for leveling with me. I do have an old Hutch from 1986, which , if you want to have a productive argument, is the king of bmx bikes. I want 200 for it, and it’s ready to ride. Not all original parts, but all of the era parts. Kinda beat up, but worth more than 200.
If you don’t do Hutch, good luck in your hunt. Thanks for painting that picture of you cruising in style….

peace,
rolston

B: Thanks for not being to upset. I can’t ride a kid’s bike, I was hoping that the diamond back was the old school 80’s viper, all chrome hopefully just painted black and looking a bit off from the horrible perspective across the www. My brother’s got a hutch, or had one. Some one ripped
it off his porch. You know aside the rest of the folks strewn about the www, your the first person i had respond using the word fuck, or wouldn’t have even botherd. Thanks for the offer on the hutch though. I wouldnt mind finding my old mongoose I lost a while back, some one
got off my porch. I was in my house for like 14 seconds.. snatched.

laterzz

At the end I offer my name, and then slip in an offer to upsell. Sometimes, when I look back on what I’ve done, I don’t think I like myself.

happy st. patty’s day

Hard to read but that’s what the sign says.

racist

was at a truck stop in south san francisco eating a Frosty Float at the combo Wendy’s Exxon Starbucks. You sit down at some tables in the gas station part, next to motor oil and bumper stickers. It felt like the rest of the country. I felt like I was in most of America instead of SF. Feels good sometimes, to get out and watch a drive thru entrance. How people squint their eyes and look up at a menu they know by heart. The burden of choice still weighing on their minds though, because they know what they want and they know they should order something healthier. So they sit there with an open mouth saying, “ahhhhhh…” as they look for a salad combo with french fries, or chocolate covered skinless chicken breast. Some new item that might not be as bad as a hamburger and shake.

mixmatchmusic

Well, Lyle, you told us so. Here’s a startup that is allowing people to create music from remote locations. Happening in a garage down the street from Donny Lawn.

March 14, 2009

lucky strike

I love the Disney one. Something tells me they no longer have a tobacco shop.

disco pony

There was a dumpster in front of a house and so I stopped, with Will, and we loaded up a bunch of stuff. It is a truly joyful experience to take something out of the garbage. Even if I’ll put it back in the garbage tomorrow, for a moment there I believed. Believed a prayer had been answered. Believed I’d found what I needed. The search was over. The craziest thing was how nice the people were who were throwing the stuff out. The son, Aaron, made the mirrored carousel pony. He had some antique electric tools – old single speed drills, a giant chrome-cased jig saw, the kind of tools a workshop from the Eisenhower administration might be outfitted with.

The funnest thing was a big old Leslie speaker cabinet. It didn’t work, but the parts were there. Those cabinets sell for over a grand in working order, so I need to find someone to give me fifty bucks for this old broken one. Here’s a wiki link to them if you don’t know what they look like. (no great pictures there, actually. It’s a huge wooden cabinet.)

I was thinking, as I stood in the dumpster, I ought to advertise. The man paid $350 bucks for this dumpster, and I would have hauled most of it away for free. So, maybe I can get people to Yelp! me. Can an individual be on Yelp!? I don’t want to be a business, just a man. Friends, enemies, my student dentist, they could all write reviews.

Let’s work on this. In the morning.

March 13, 2009

flagpoles at space gallery wednesday nite

photo posted from my iPhone

Will bought a half stack but he’s going to SXSW so those two won’t be there this wednesday. But Collin and Doug and Nick will be there. You’ll see me get excited to be in a band and lose track of where I am in the song. Come if you can.

too much time on my hands


My 1992 GMC graffiti magnet

I’m not against the youth, but I’m no longer with them. Perhaps sitting “in the buck” as my housemate just said, as I blog, is an attempt to reach back to those carefree nude days. I hope it’s not awkward for you to find me blogging at 2:30 a.m. without so much on as lint between my toes. My roommate was nonplussed. Because this is an organic household. If only you could smell it. The trash can by the computer smells like a compost bin.

Blogging or jogging, doesn’t matter. Done naked, it feels comfortable. If not “young”, then carefree. Where is this all going? Some idiot children tagged my truck pretty good. Would this happen in a nudist colony? I think not. There is something about competition that clothing breeds that also leads to tagging. The inadequate creatures of “FN”, a crew of taggers, need to feel they’ve gotten over on someone. They want to compete because so often they’ve lost. So they compete against a sleeping truck driver. An inanimate building. A defenseless fence. A few squad cars are the referees.

I’m staying up late tonite, without any clothes on, and watching my truck from the window. If I see them coming, I’m waving my dong.

March 11, 2009

I was starting to feel like I was performing subsistence hauling lately. Getting out of bed was hard because there didn’t feel like there was any reason to bother. Makes no sense, I know. I should be happy I don’t have to work. Because there’s always work that can be done. Look at this guy, hauling a stolen grocery cart alongside his bicycle. If he’s working, I can be working. But today I’m gonna play. I’m going to weed the garden maybe, or draw a picture and put it on the fridge. Maybe I’ll go to the beach and throw rocks at a seagull. There’re a lotta things to be happy about. Let’s not lose sight, people! Good times are here!

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