My Robot Is Pregnant theme song!

tough guy poetry and manly stories of loneliness
all contents copyright Jon Rolston 2004, 2005, 2006

March 23, 2008

i’m talking about bringing retards to orgasm

I don’t have all kinds of time to write this stuff, I’m a blogger, not a novelist. An hour a day is a luxury, and that involves color correcting photos and waiting for this shitty wi-fi to hook me up. So I’m gonna talk fast and honest about something that’s been on my mind for ten years. Everything is sexual. Women don’t want to be sex objects? Ladies, if I could get it in your ear, I’d love you for your brain. But it don’t work that way.

Take a look at our fag brothers. They’re like monkeys, touching and sucking and fucking each other. I don’t happen to be very gay, so I want to climb all over women. Big tall ones. Fat ones. Women skinny as a rail that want to whip my ass. It doesn’t matter. In church I’m thinking about it. God knows. He must know. He created me in his image. Women were an afterthought born of my rib. Rib like a bone, I’m constantly trying to get one more in. Aspiring to Godhood.

I have a new girlfriend. The last one totally wrote me off. The new one wonders about me. I don’t get this world. When I was younger I was very compassionate. I used to work with developmentally disabled people. I also worked with accident victims. There was one guy, Ron, in his 50’s. He crashed his truck with his date by his side when he was 18 years old. A big accident, broken glass, the truck out of control and off the road. She got out of the truck and stood there in shock. The pickup on it’s side in the weeds, two wheels spinning. She walked back to the truck and Ron was still inside.

“I can’t feel my legs. I can’t feel my arms,” he said. “I’m scared.”

He remembered it so clearly. Laying in a bed in government housing in Dover New Hampshire. I got paid to physically push him onto his side and dress his bed sores and wipe his ass. Then I rolled him up on the other side and took care of that stuff. Your skin turns white when it’s dead and moist. Six inch rings of blood on the surface. Change a pad. Rub on ointment. Bizarre. The blood pools right beneath the surface of the last layer of skin.

Unplug the catheter from the bag and hook it into a fresh empty one. They were clear plastic bags, like a giant Capri-Sun. I’d jam the tube in. One end went into a hole in his stomach. It was important to note how much he’d evacuated. “Don’t let that get dirty,” he’d say, “or it could kill me.”

His dick atrophied. I’d never been so intimate with one. It was tiny.

“I got so embarrassed in the hospital the first year. Pretty nurses came in and I had a boner I couldn’t control. It was automatic. But I got older and it never happens anymore. Not that I could feel it.”

His doctor prescribed him a penis pump. Purely psychological. Ron told me it was in the bottom drawer of a file cabinet. I asked him I if I could use it in the bathroom.

A penis pump creates a vacumn, so that everything stretches. It was the biggest my dick had ever been. I came out and showed Ron.

“You’re like a hoss,” he said, in his Dover accent. But as soon as I released the tension it went back to normal. I got a staff infection on my balls a few days later. Everything sexual is repercussive.

I just wanted to say that we are living creatures and things can go wrong with us. What we call wrong. Things can become more difficult. But we want to have sex. Or talk about it. Or listen to stories. Or wonder. Or try to get away from it.

9 Comments

  1. saw your pod like a month ago and i finally decided to visit this site and examine your thoughts. o.O lol, but really, funny shit man

    Comment by Alan Deakin — March 23, 2008 @ 11:32 am

  2. thanks!

    Comment by Rolston — March 23, 2008 @ 8:42 pm

  3. he wasn’t retarded, just handicapped, but I guess if you have been a quad for thirty years you might just become retarded. We had a friend who always wanted to fuck retarded girls, he would talk about it so much. Looking back on it I am pretty sure he fucked this retarded chick and told her not to tell anyone. I am sure he loved it.

    Comment by al — March 24, 2008 @ 6:16 pm

  4. I probably was a little heavy handed with the title there. I worked with the developmentally disabled, (formerly known as retards) as well. Ron was friends with a woman who had muscular dystrophy. I would bathe her. She was about ten years older than me, and it was a strange thing for me to undress a woman, pick her up and place her in a tub and scrub her. But I didn’t get to that part of the story.

    Comment by Rolston — March 24, 2008 @ 9:49 pm

  5. Retard is a tame word compared to the language used to describe the developmentally disabled 70-80 years ago. Anyone know the origin of the word mongoloid?

    Answer tomorrow (if you all don’t know already)…

    Comment by Lyle_s — March 26, 2008 @ 5:47 pm

  6. Even though probably nobody cared or even read the question, I’ll go ahead and answer it.

    Mongloid is a shortening of the retired clinical term Mongolian Idiot. When my dad worked in Portsmouth setting up group homes, he used to have to review files of the residents, some of which were considerably older than him. On the old medical records, he often found the diagnosis ‘Mongolian Idiot’. At first he thought the doctors were just assholes but it turned out that was the term at the time.

    Comment by Lyle_s — March 27, 2008 @ 6:51 pm

  7. no offense lyle, but I already knew the answer. White people thought the retarded people looked like Mongolians. So they called them Mongoloids. Then Devo sang a song about it. I was psyched to see you put the challenge out. I’ll offer a prize for the next one. Maybe that will get them interested.

    Comment by Rolston — March 28, 2008 @ 5:16 pm

  8. No offense taken. I suspected that I wasn’t really holding a unique nugget of information. I don’t get the reference to white people thinking retards looked like Mongolians. What did black people think they looked like? I suppose most doctors were white, back in the day…

    Yesterday, I watched a funny bit from Dave Chappelle about how Asian people get really offended if you get their nationality wrong (i.e. calling a Korean person Chinese). I guess that’s better than being mistaken for a retard.

    Comment by Lyle_s — March 29, 2008 @ 12:51 pm

  9. […] This guy has a quirky charm I appreciate. He also happens to have a very entertaining blog named My Robot is Pregnant. Check out the entries titled, i’m talking about bringing retards to orgasm and aids test. […]

    Pingback by Urban bee keeper — Scrogge Howff — April 12, 2008 @ 9:05 pm

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